Thursday, April 29, 2010

"when hardship/tragedy comes, the world becomes silent, the air changes, we see and breathe differently. Sometimes we see life, our life, for the very first time. And everything as you see it changes."

I'm sitting here; in the dark, in a bare room, scattered with pieces of garbage listening to tanks stomach rumble.

I'm in this limbo waiting for my new job to start,old tenants to get out of my new house, and have my little boy in a new home; away from me (ouch).

I feel like I'm failing at all of this in a massive way.
Like everything is spinning out of control and it's all my fault.

I'm a control freak and I'll be the first to admit it. I need to know that I'm grounded or that there's something I can be held accountable for. Something that is up to me, something that makes me heard because I can't be shut out in the dark and I can't be dormant.

There was a stupid misunderstanding and I'm the crazy one.
I'm the one that's fucking up.

I'm the one who gets points for breathing in and out.

I'm the one who's working herself sick to make everyone else happy because if I don't, I'm the bad person. I'm the selfish person. I'm the awful person.

I'm the one who gets in my truck at unreasonable times because there's a blackness festering in my chest and a man screaming inside. Screaming to get out.
So I lace up and I run. Without warming up, without gracefulness. Frantic, feverish steps.

The minute I start to get a grasp it goes to hell
so I run faster and harder and the more distance I put between where I was and where I am now the more grounded I feel. Because I'm the girl who quietly absorbs and then tries to outrun it. But you can't outrun yourself and eventually you always have to stop and you're still right there with you.

But there's this numbness that takes over. The eye of the storm and everything is calm. The same drive I take everyday suddenly isn't long enough and I already want to turn back.

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