I need snow and the silence of woods like it's apart of my chemical make up.
I want my cheeks to be red and my nose to feel numb. I want my lips to be chapped and I want to hear the crunch of snow under my boots.

I need there to be silence and the slow down the winter forest forces in you.

I'm excited for christmas because some how I think it's going to change my life around.
And I'm scared for two-thousand and eleven because my life is going to change drastically and I've already idolized how I need, well want rather it to be. I do that. I picture my life and things in it down to the smallest detail like the centerpiece on my future dining room table and then I obsess.

I'm trying to branch out.
So I bought sexy new boots that make me feel sexy and I want to strut around in them and just them.

Plus I hung out with a new friend who not only is not inlove with me, is a girl ,but is straight.
Huge step for me.

And I'm a love sick puppy.
Oh lord I'm pathetic

Happy holidays

Welcome to December.

You only have one functioning ovary.
and fibroids.









Uh what? Well that was out of field. Well technically, I guess right.
I'm twenty years old and only half capable of performing what is one of the most basic functions of humans.

I always said I never wanted kids and truly, I don't think kids would be good for my introverted, independent, spazz ouf out of my skin on a regular basis type of personality (and it probably wouldn't be good for them). Plus, I've heard stories of how I was as a child and my parents get kudo's for not strangling the wild haired, big gray eyed banshee that I used to be.

Yet, it surprised me just how upset the news really made me. And it's just there, consuming my head. Because even if I always told myself I never wanted kids, I want the option to never have kids; without having to spend thousands of dollars in fertility treatments because lets face it, they're expensive enough and who really wants to pay to push a human being out of their vagina?

I guess it just kind of feels like a blow to my womanhood.

And then there's work. Which statistically, pediatrics are a small minority of our patients. Pediatrics with serious problems are even smaller.

Except when you find out you are less likely to have kids. Then it's baby after baby.
With cancer or a breathing tube.


the first phase of paramedic school is coming to a close and lets not talk about that or how I'm sure he wears sweaters in hell. Children's sweaters to fit his short little leathery skinned, horned, body.



I'm in a funk.