Thursday, April 29, 2010

"when hardship/tragedy comes, the world becomes silent, the air changes, we see and breathe differently. Sometimes we see life, our life, for the very first time. And everything as you see it changes."

I'm sitting here; in the dark, in a bare room, scattered with pieces of garbage listening to tanks stomach rumble.

I'm in this limbo waiting for my new job to start,old tenants to get out of my new house, and have my little boy in a new home; away from me (ouch).

I feel like I'm failing at all of this in a massive way.
Like everything is spinning out of control and it's all my fault.

I'm a control freak and I'll be the first to admit it. I need to know that I'm grounded or that there's something I can be held accountable for. Something that is up to me, something that makes me heard because I can't be shut out in the dark and I can't be dormant.

There was a stupid misunderstanding and I'm the crazy one.
I'm the one that's fucking up.

I'm the one who gets points for breathing in and out.

I'm the one who's working herself sick to make everyone else happy because if I don't, I'm the bad person. I'm the selfish person. I'm the awful person.

I'm the one who gets in my truck at unreasonable times because there's a blackness festering in my chest and a man screaming inside. Screaming to get out.
So I lace up and I run. Without warming up, without gracefulness. Frantic, feverish steps.

The minute I start to get a grasp it goes to hell
so I run faster and harder and the more distance I put between where I was and where I am now the more grounded I feel. Because I'm the girl who quietly absorbs and then tries to outrun it. But you can't outrun yourself and eventually you always have to stop and you're still right there with you.

But there's this numbness that takes over. The eye of the storm and everything is calm. The same drive I take everyday suddenly isn't long enough and I already want to turn back.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I retract what I said.

I made it to exit twenty-two and I made the phone call.
I kicked my boots off as I tore into the driveway
dropped my bag and keys at the door and I walked toward someone that wasn't me.
I told my head to shut up and I collapsed and I cried and everything I held in I let out.

Crying is weird, it's unfamiliar and it's... different. I'm not good at it and I naturally excel at (almost) everything I do. Not crying. Not talking. I can't remember the last time I cried before today.

They are my people.
The two of them.
And my awkward, mouth-breather of a dog.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

"L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go?
'Cause something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home

So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see

So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst"

Today was hard. Harder than I thought and as I sat there waiting with all the other people waiting and hoping it all wasn't real and we were somewhere else and all the unfamiliar faces were just in our heads and tv screens and wooden doors didn't mean as much as they meant at that moment.

I'm stubborn and I'm fierce and god I'm a force to be reckoned with but even a hurricane needs the ocean. and sometimes the ocean needs a little help from mother nature and that's what he was supposed to be; mother nature. I'm my own ocean, I'm my own force but just letting me be and taking me for what I am would is nice.

I don't believe in fairy tales and I don't believe in happily ever after. No one held my hand before this and no one will after and truthfully I like to keep my arms swinging at my side, at my pace, freely.

But I'm hurt and as much as I hate that word and using it to describe how I feel I'm at a loss for what else to say. I expected more, I expected something better and I expected something completely different because like that big rock in the night sky things like that only happen once every seventy five years.

i'm angry because I know I don't need someone but my back up plan, my oh-shit bar, my plan C through Z has holes.

She's my person and I'm her person
Meredith and Christina

Ring the bells that can still ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

Thats how the light gets in

- leonard cohen