Saturday, February 13, 2010

"There will be days when you think you've raised an alien. there are the same days she feels like she's being raised by one" (seemed appropriate).

So, technically it's Valentines day. /the day of roses (gag), chocolate (gag), mushy-gushy feelingy stuff (gag gag gag) oh and someone crying (gagggg). Someone always cries.

I usually make it a point to plan my relationships around today; either I wait until afterward to start a relationship or right before to end it.

This year however I'm going against my own grain and dating someone (who I have no complaints about). Typically I would spend the day working and in the evening at the barn with the only man in my life who's always been there for me with open ears and slobbery kisses.

This year I'll come home to (ah, yes, I'm working until seven am) a man in my house and my other man in my backyard. Well, two men in my house really. I can't forget my new little man, Tank.

I'm no good at days like this. I'm no good at feelings. I'm no good at gifts that mean something and I'm no good at "moments". Aside from something scandalous and red, I didn't get anything. I didn't plan anything.

I have this innate fear of anyone leaving a permanent mark in my life. I talked about this to my room mate last night. I don't have anyone saved on speed dial (short of parentals because like it or not, they're here to stay). I guess it's my way of preparing and protecting myself or when they do leave. Only it's fermented over the years (and my romantic history really didn't help this) into this overwhelming fear that makes me lock my breaks up at simple things. Meaningless things. Metastasizing. Inhibiting my already handicapped ability to divulge anything of real substance. Feelings. Nightmares. Questions. They whole nine-yards.

Hello issues,
I have you. Lots and lots of you.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Goodbye crack of dawn, Goodbye harvester and goodbye hello baby after a long hard day of plowing dirt,

Homer, Alaska
16th of July 2009

I was running by myself to escape the nightmares. To escape everything really. Phone broken, roads empty, ipod full.

My heart pounding, asics slipping on the rocks, I couldn't tell the difference between my sweat and the mist of rain. I spent most of the trip alone. Exploring. Thinking. Shutting out everything from home except for my journal.