Tuesday, January 12, 2010

"I don't come with no disclaimer, I'm like everybody else
we keep our demons on the burner and our morals on the shelf."

It's been a long week to say the least.

I think what I remember most about was how beautiful the sunset was over the barracks. The cold was bitter and it's bite stung my face. Our breath sifted into the air like smoke and my fingers were stiff. We talked about trivial things while he smoked a cigarette. All of us knowing we were really just stalling, pretending for even a moment that goodbye's weren't hanging over our heads and our hearts.

I've always liked the smell of cigarettes in the cold, and now it reminds me of him.

We hugged tightly, "last one for the road", about three times.

We stood there as we watched him walk away. Tall, hunched over (like always), in his combat boots and uniform. Hennis embroidered on his pocket and chest. We watched until he disappeared onto the stairwell and our eyes were satisfied he was gone.

It was a long drive home. I closed my eyes but only drifted off for twenty minutes.

As I opened the gate to my place I felt anxious. What if he didn't notice I was gone? what if he was indifferent to my return? what if he didn't realize our relationship?

God, was I actually this concerned over what a dog thought of me?
I have issues.

I took a breath and walked in,
He knocked me over and licked my face. I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his neck. I had less than two hours before I had to leave for work and there wasn't a chance I was sleeping.

I wrote him like I promised I would and I'd be lying if I wasn't embarrassed for myself by how tween I am being right now waiting for a response. God, I must be masochistic chasing after a guy under these circumstances. Lack of emotional attachment. Just being fawned over by gorgeous.

I left for work, returned home fourteen hours later, slept for four, went back to work and returned sixteen hours later.

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