Thursday, September 16, 2010

"Even when you have gone as far as you can, and everything hurts, and you are staring at the specter of self-doubt, you can find a bit more strength deep inside you, if you look closely enough."

Hal Higdon

I couldn't tell what I was feeling. Part of me could finally breathe because there was a label on it. There was a definiteness. The other part of me wanted to run out of the doctor's office because ignorance really is bliss (that's the vagina part of me). Both parts wanted to break down and cry. I was surprised at how much it knocked me back.

Running is my antigen; It's my "self".

I met myself last night at work. She was me in forty years. I loved her and it was comforting to know that in forty years, I really wont change much and apparently, between twenty and forty I'll learn to accept myself more and not be so hard.

This morning I ran home from the station.
I was angsty waiting for him to bring me my ipod. I moaned and fussed as I fidgeted trying to rush a goodbye. I probably looked like a squirrel.. in a jumpsuit. The hills were steep and frequent but the view at the apex of the bridge was gorgeous as the lakes were just waking up. I took the Trek back.

I've taken up this new hobby of biking through the historic neighborhoods and fantasizing about fabulous houses and how they look on the inside and in my fabulous life. I re-invent myself in this new life where my hips aren't too big and there's no more stubborn blemishes on my face and I have this beaming smile that lights up a room.
There's a sun room with my paints set up with a half finished painting on the easel that I actually have intentions of finishing. The kitchen is gorgeous and smells like cleaner scented with vanilla. The dog bowls match and aidan is lounging on the pottery barn furniture. There's fabulous wood floors and big thick molding and tall windows to let the light filter on the floor.
Could I be any more of a space cadet?

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