Hello febuary.

It's friday night, I'm no where near an ambulance and I couldn't be more thrilled. So, after my run, short bike ride, and inconvenient drive because of an ego that's entirely too big for that small town;

I'm socializing.
And by socializing I mean consuming a comfy brown leather chair at starbucks with my journal and three dollar book I left with when I went to the depths of literacy hell (BAM) to scower home magazines; add bits and pieces to the interior of our future house four miles away. I can't leave a book store without a book. It's my weakness. Next to cookies.

Because I do that. Amongst everything in my life, the impossible 140 hour work weeks, the exams I don't have time to study for, the faint memory sleep has become, the runs I miss like I lost my other half, my "kids" that have been neglected, and the internal whirlwinds that I'm come to the conclusion are actually a part of my dna, and the breakdowns in the shower over chapters I never actually dealt with and I closed long before the last sentence was finished- I obsess over this house.

The artwork I'll paint to match. The clever sculptures and pillows I'll craft. The swing on the front porch I'll spend hours on. The guest room. The color swatches. The food I'll cook in the big kitchen. the naps I'll take in the fall on the hammock with the dog in the yard, and the life I'll have.

I obess. It's what I do.

I changed my degree today after my exam and I can't help but feel like I can take a deep breath again. My wheels are moving and this is real, I'm taking a step in the right direction and it just feels, like how it's supposed to feel. I walked back to my class with my paper in hand and I smiled; I laughed.
Because I can do this and I will do this. And I'm excited to spend eight more years in school. I'm excited to immerse myself in books and something I love. And yes, I'll be "throwing away" my twenties but honestly, to me this is the best way to throw them away.

I talked to my dad this evening. He's proud of me.
I'm proud of me and of who I'm going to be, which has been a long time coming.

Grande Earl Grey hot tea non-fat latte with two shots of sugar-free vanilla and four and a half packets of splenda..

Sixteen year old me would so make fun of twenty year old me.

and then my world changed.

In the white stand-still at a few thousand feet.

I need snow and the silence of woods like it's apart of my chemical make up.
I want my cheeks to be red and my nose to feel numb. I want my lips to be chapped and I want to hear the crunch of snow under my boots.

I need there to be silence and the slow down the winter forest forces in you.

I'm excited for christmas because some how I think it's going to change my life around.
And I'm scared for two-thousand and eleven because my life is going to change drastically and I've already idolized how I need, well want rather it to be. I do that. I picture my life and things in it down to the smallest detail like the centerpiece on my future dining room table and then I obsess.

I'm trying to branch out.
So I bought sexy new boots that make me feel sexy and I want to strut around in them and just them.

Plus I hung out with a new friend who not only is not inlove with me, is a girl ,but is straight.
Huge step for me.

And I'm a love sick puppy.
Oh lord I'm pathetic