Happy holidays

Welcome to December.

You only have one functioning ovary.
and fibroids.









Uh what? Well that was out of field. Well technically, I guess right.
I'm twenty years old and only half capable of performing what is one of the most basic functions of humans.

I always said I never wanted kids and truly, I don't think kids would be good for my introverted, independent, spazz ouf out of my skin on a regular basis type of personality (and it probably wouldn't be good for them). Plus, I've heard stories of how I was as a child and my parents get kudo's for not strangling the wild haired, big gray eyed banshee that I used to be.

Yet, it surprised me just how upset the news really made me. And it's just there, consuming my head. Because even if I always told myself I never wanted kids, I want the option to never have kids; without having to spend thousands of dollars in fertility treatments because lets face it, they're expensive enough and who really wants to pay to push a human being out of their vagina?

I guess it just kind of feels like a blow to my womanhood.

And then there's work. Which statistically, pediatrics are a small minority of our patients. Pediatrics with serious problems are even smaller.

Except when you find out you are less likely to have kids. Then it's baby after baby.
With cancer or a breathing tube.


the first phase of paramedic school is coming to a close and lets not talk about that or how I'm sure he wears sweaters in hell. Children's sweaters to fit his short little leathery skinned, horned, body.



I'm in a funk.

They say you cannot run from your problems but I disagree. In-fact in those wild, spastic strides with the wind in your face and your heart pounding against your ribs you feel nothing, the most blissful emptiness you'll ever not feel. The more space you put between where you were and you're next step is riveting. It's like heroin.
and maybe you cannot out run them because you always have to turn back but at least when you do, you can take a god damn breath before you step into the tangled mess that is your life.

those who say you cannot run from your problems are simply not runners.

-me

"The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself - the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us - that's where it's at."

Jesse Owens

I rolled into the house like a category five hurricane. Spitting lightning and profanities.
I fiddled with socks as I let him in on my crazy. This is not how I planned my day at all. Everything I never told anybody just came out with Haines in my hands. and as I shut the door behind me a wave of humiliation came over me. I want to hide my head in dirt like an ostrich.
I want to push redo. I want to pinky promise to never mention my mini meltdown ever again but it doesn't work that way. not because I'm an adult, not because it's the grown up thing to do but because it;ll always be there.