2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe


It's eighteen past midnight on a Friday and I'm spooning with my (snoring) dog.
I'm a real catch, I swear.

"I don't come with no disclaimer, I'm like everybody else
we keep our demons on the burner and our morals on the shelf."

It's been a long week to say the least.

I think what I remember most about was how beautiful the sunset was over the barracks. The cold was bitter and it's bite stung my face. Our breath sifted into the air like smoke and my fingers were stiff. We talked about trivial things while he smoked a cigarette. All of us knowing we were really just stalling, pretending for even a moment that goodbye's weren't hanging over our heads and our hearts.

I've always liked the smell of cigarettes in the cold, and now it reminds me of him.

We hugged tightly, "last one for the road", about three times.

We stood there as we watched him walk away. Tall, hunched over (like always), in his combat boots and uniform. Hennis embroidered on his pocket and chest. We watched until he disappeared onto the stairwell and our eyes were satisfied he was gone.

It was a long drive home. I closed my eyes but only drifted off for twenty minutes.

As I opened the gate to my place I felt anxious. What if he didn't notice I was gone? what if he was indifferent to my return? what if he didn't realize our relationship?

God, was I actually this concerned over what a dog thought of me? I have issues.

I took a breath and walked in,
He knocked me over and licked my face. I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his neck. I had less than two hours before I had to leave for work and there wasn't a chance I was sleeping.

I wrote him like I promised I would and I'd be lying if I wasn't embarrassed for myself by how tween I am being right now waiting for a response. God, I must be masochistic chasing after a guy under these circumstances. Lack of emotional attachment. Just being fawned over by gorgeous.

I left for work, returned home fourteen hours later, slept for four, went back to work and returned sixteen hours later.

I'm giving up utensils for religious purposes.

It's after midnight and I can't stop sneezing. I detest sneezing on a whole different level because when I sneeze I simultaneously cough and that's just not pleasant.

I have a serious question; do electric toothbrushes fuck your game up too? They make my nose itch like no body's business. I mean it's really intolerable so I can't use them.

God, I'm weird.


Went to the gym (kill me) tonight and ran on the treadmill (please, kill me). Put it on the "5k" setting, got some coughing out of my system and spent the next twenty something minutes staring at myself run. The gym here is the size of a Motel 6 hotel room with mirrors on three sides. The remaining wall has a window to the lobby where all the people stumbling in can see me run... from behind. Now tell me they didn't set the gym up like that on accident...

I don't know about you but I really don't like to see myself run. I'm leggy and I look like some sort of giraffe or deer. Plus I start to see just how stupid I look when I mouth song lyrics and play imaginary drum solo's (In the Air Tonight). God, I'm really weird.

I did notice I need new running shoes and mother of god my legs are long.

I was talking bikes tonight with someone. I'm sized for a person about two to four inches taller than me because of these pups. Like, I think this is on the verge of "fucking weird" and I'm a little self conscious about it now.

This guy came in (I hate people but I really hate people when I'm running in place and locked in a mirrored room with them), he looked like LLCool J who looks exactly like the Teenage Mutant Turtles who happen to be my favorite characters growing up (and still are). I had their poster and went to the lengths of renaming them "the Kalabunga's" because I was too young (and inpatient) to say Teenage Mutant Turtles.

It kind of made my night. Then I noticed he had tube socks on and I died a little on the inside. Just a little.

I'm online shopping for a bigger bookshelf. Mine is crammed full as it is. This is bad.

I'm in an odd mood. I should have been upset about that. I should have I don't know been hurt but I really wasn't and that's kind of concerning. I have the urge to aimlessly wander around. It's like ten degree's outside and if there's a place that I'm going to get picked up and raped at, it's probably this place. Testosterone hits you like a brick wall as soon as you get to the city limits and lets face it, I can be kind of cute sometimes.

I miss my boys. I miss my big and slightly less big "kids". I miss their smell and the stupid looks on their faces when they see me. I can't wait to have candybar in my own barn and Tank next to me in my own bed. Because they're going to be my crutch when all of this eventually comes falling down.

On a completely different note, I need sponsors. So I'm going to shamelessly promote myself for the next few minutes...

I'm doing a triathlon in the spring (three actually). The entry fee's on one alone is one-hundred dollars. This doesn't include gas or hotel (or gear) but that's not what I want money for. I'm a "charity athlete" raising money for St. Jude's Children's Hospital. They're giving me my own web page for people to donate on and everything. I'll post it when I get it.
Please folks, it's for the kids
and some kickass apparel/gift bag for me.

5k run, hundreds of leg presses with somewhere around 80lbs (I'm still sick and taking it easy), leg crosses, 400 sit ups. I can't sleep. I didn't do enough.

When are you going to wake up and fight?

I'm in North Carolina, freezing. Spending time with my broski before he deploys.



I'm too rebellious for my own good.




(925): I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.

(914): Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

(201): he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing

(416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

(330): I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.

(201): we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .

(404): there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his

(336): This house was built for laser tag.

... I think I've said enough.